I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
