Already got asked if we're dating
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
