I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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