I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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