So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
