There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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