I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
