We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
