Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
