Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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