I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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