I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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