Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
