I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
