dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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