I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
