I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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