I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
