apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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