your thong is hanging out like whoa
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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