in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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