Don't make out with my wife yet
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
