I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
