it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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