How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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