I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
