how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
