It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
