he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
