I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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