Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
