Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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