someone owes me an orgasm
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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