I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
