Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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