On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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