Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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