I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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