I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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