Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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