I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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