my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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