Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
