dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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