my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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