I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
