I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
