We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
