omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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