just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
