I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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