I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
high people should be assigned attendants
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
