she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
