my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
