I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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