Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize