we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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