Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
