Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
