i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
