You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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