my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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